Bond Villain Home | Killing off Bond

Over years and years, decade after decade, that famous line has persistently popped up: "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!" So what has been the best way of killing Bond so far? Hmmmm? The laser? Tarantula in the bed? The cake-bomb?


How about strapping him to a gurney with the girl, opening a vein on his arm, and laboriously lowering him into your decorative shark-tank?

D'oh! Forgot to take off the magnetic watch!

As the late Alec Treveylan (aka Janus, aka 006) once said "Why can't (he) just be a good boy and die?"

In an effort to help the nefarious, we at Licensed to Kill here list the countless ways that villains, henchmen, lackeys and the merely amateurish have tried (so far, unsuccessfully) to kill off British Agent 007, James Bond. They range from the accidental to the purposefully complex, thought up off-the-cuff or planned down to the last detail. But whether improvised or premeditated, simple or ludicrous they all have one thing in common:

Failure.

(I suppose one could try just shooting him!)

Here then, listed by film, are the many ways to not kill off Bond...unsuccessfully. (We suggest you don't use them!)

Should you want to achieve such a goal, remember, please, the words of Miss Tiffany Case: "And for God's sake, try and come up with something original for a change!"

Dr. No

• incompetent driver/assassin
• tarantula in the bed
• run off the road
• shot while sleeping
• shot by patrol boat
• dragon tank
• irradiated
• talked to death at dinner
• beaten up
• electrocuted
• dangerously un-insulated ventilation system
• beaten by metal claws
• cooked in a nuclear cooling tank

From Russia With Love

• elaborate plot entailing seduction, blackmail, and a faked suicide
• attempted assassination at a gypsy camp
  
• a beating, capped by being garroted by a wire hidden in a watch
• chased down by a helicopter dropping grenades
  
• poison-tipped shoes

Goldfinger

• betrayal by girlfriend, with attempted black-jacking and a beating
• machine-gunned by old lady
• chased down by shooting henchmen
  
• laser beam castration
• being blown up at Ft. Knox
• threatened with flying bowler hat
• various karate moves by mute bodyguard
  
• shooting in a plane
  

Thunderball

• Attacked with a poker "in the hands of a widow"
• pulled apart by spine-stretching machine
• run-down by speed-boat and concussed by dropped grenades
  
• chased down and nearly shot in back while dancing
• shark feeding
• harpoons (lots of 'em!)
• beating on an out-of-control hydrofoil
  

You Only Live Twice

• shot at by armed guards (from his own government!)
• chased and attacked by Japanese dock-workers
  
• trapped in a falling plane
• dogfight with machine-gunning black helicopters
• sneaking onto the roof, and dripping poison down a thread while you sleep (Sheesh!)
  
• knife hidden in practice bamboo pole (time-honored favorite!)
• blown-up by self-destructing volcano (another THF)

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

• Beach-fight at dusk!
• Attacked by henchman
• threatened at gun-point by future fiancee
• Sleeping with Irma Bunt
• run-over by a...tram-lift(?)
• chased by machine-gunning skiers
• nearly thrown off a very high cliff
• Death by Demolition Derby
• Avalanche
• thrown beaker of acid
• nearly blown up by grenades from a speeding bob-sled
  
• Crunching your head against an ice-wall while traveling on a speeding bob-sled!!
  
• drive-by shooting
• Broken heart

Diamonds Are Forever

• shot from a mud-pit
• gassed, kidnapped, and buried alive in a pipeline
• a beating in tight-quarters (elevator)
• attacked by slow-moving astronauts
  
• repeated bitch-slapping
  
• garroting
• clobbered with a decorative urn
  
• cake-bomb
• attempted cremation
• talked to death by villain
  

Live and Let Die

• shooting your driver on a busy New York freeway
• a beating
• the old snake-in-the-bathroom trick
• attacked by helicopters in an opium field
• interminably chased by henchmen with guns in planes, buses and boats
• lots of hungry alligators
• scissored pinky
  
• voodoo ritual
• that thing with the knots and the knife and the shark-pool
• attacked by a guy with a big clunky metal hand

The Man with the Golden Gun

• attacked by cranky belly-dance afficianadoes
• chased by Hong Kong police
• squeezed by sumo wrestlers
• "show-and-tell" at a martial arts school
• hunted down by Scaramanga
• "Phu-Yuck"
• incinerated by solar collector
• attacked by a small Frenchman
• forced to deal with Mary Goodnight
  

The Spy Who Loved Me

• chased by Russian spies on skis, forced off a cliff
• blown up by American Navy
  
• Jaws (a lot!)
• extended fire-fight with a Super-tanker crew
• Pesky nuclear device
• aborted shark-feeding
• chased by torpedo-firing motorcycle, frogmen and Caroline Munro in a chopper (life is tough!)
• shot at with a reeeeeeally long gun
  

Moonraker

• tossed out of a perfectly good airplane
• sniper in a tree
• knife-throwing corpse
• beaten up in a glass factory
• incinerated by shuttle rockets
• shoved out of a perfectly good ambulance!
• constricted by a Boa
  
• Jaws (a lot more!)
• shot with a laser gun
• crushed in a centrifuge
• strangled with a chain
• nearly shoved out of a perfectly good air-lock
• lots of dirty looks from "M" and "Q"

For Your Eyes Only

• Remote-controlled helicopters (always bad news!)
• P.O.'d girl with a cross-bow
• Pool-partyers with automatic weapons
• driving a Citroen! A frakkin Citroen!
• dragged over a coral reef and left for sharks
• run over with a boat
• relentless pursuit by an Olympic decathalon athlete
• cross-checking hockey players
• One word: Bibi
• chased-down by cars and dune-buggies!
• free-falling while rock-climbing

Octopussy

• yo-yo killer attacking 007 and Octopussy
• taken prisoner by corrupt General
• Acro-jet target practice
• Side-winder missiles
• Rapidly closing hangar doors
• Snakes!
• Berserker knife-throwing circus twins!
• Kamal Khan's caterers
• Tunnels!
• Another pesky nuclear device
• falling off a plane

A View to a Kill

• chased by skiing Soviet agents (to "California Girls")
• trick steeplechase
• drugged horse
• locked in a submerged Rolls-Royce
• locked in an elevator in a burning building
• dangled from a speeding fire-truck
• bumped into building and bridges while dangling from a blimp
• attacked with an axe on top of the Golden Gate Bridge

The Living Daylights

• Goll-darned poorly-planned Gibraltar exercise!
• Officious Bureaucracy
• hugged by Gyorgy
• Czech border troops just doing their jobs
• incompetent girl-friend, in over her head
• martini: chloral-hydrated, not stirred
• Clobbered by tough "Eastenders"
• Nearly stabbed with a desk-spike
• strangled with a net by assassin
• fight while dangling from same net by same assassin outside a plane piloted by your incompetent girlfriend
• Brad Whittaker uses his stock of weapons against him
• (actually Bond has it pretty easy in this one!)

Licence To Kill

• Sanchez's goons (a lot)
• Ninja attack (....uh, ninja's?)
• dastardly frog-men
• laser photography
• Dario tries to drop him into the cocaine grinder
• Just about every way you could take out a Kenworth
• big machete
• big explosion--really big
• extended litigation with MGM over Bond broadcast rights

GoldenEye

• exploding train
• lots of guns, lots of bullets
• crushed by extremely muscular thighs (lest we forget!)
• lots of beatings
• throwing 007 off the antenna cradle
• missile taking out plane
• a bit too much psycho-analysis
• self-destruct helicopter that can be destroyed by its own missiles (good investment, that!)
• End-Title Song by Eric Serra

Tomorrow Never Dies

• Strangled by back-seat pilot (there's a Mensa candidate for ya!)
• Beating (not including getting slapped by ex-girlfriend)
• Dr. Kauffman attempts to murder/torture/talk him to death
• Parking garage car chase with Carver's men
• Helicopter shoots at him during motorcycle chase
• Nasty looking torture utensils
• Attack on the stealth boat that just seems to go on and on...

The World is Not Enough

• Swiss banker thugs
• Cigar Girl attack
• Parahawks
• a pesky runaway nuclear device in a pipeline (deja vu!)
• Helicopters with razors
• Renard sets off a bomb as he leaves through the elevator
• Elektra's chair that would eventually break his neck
• Fight in submarine

Die Another Day

• Colonel Moon orders his men to shoot him
• The many weapons on the hovercraft chase
• Zao tries to kill him at the clinic
• His sword fight with Graves
• Laser fight with Mr. Kil(Really lives up to his name!)
• Miranda and Graves' men shoot at him
• Icarus is used on him
• Car battle with Zao
• Graves tries to kill him on the plane

Casino Royale

• Badly lacerated knuckles
• Don't these parkour clowns ever rest?
• Several nasty beatings
• tortured with a knotted rope
• poisoned martini
• knife/machete sword
• nail gun in the shoulder-Ouch!
• Broken heart
• Bad car accident

Quantam of Solace

• Airplane Attack
• Ears ringing from shooting a gun that close to your head
• Boat Attack
• Car Attack
• Axe Attack
• Fire Attack
• C.I.A. Attack
• Lack of sleep
• Six martini's in a row (not poisoned)