Bond Villain Home | Killing off Bond

Over years and years, decades upon decades, that famous line has persistently popped up all over, "Do you expect me to talk?" "No mister Bond, I expect you to DIE!" So what has been the best way of killing Bond so far? Hmmmm? The laser? The cake-bomb?


How about strapping him to a gurney with the girl, opening a vein on his arm, and laboriously lowering him into your decorative shark-tank?

D'oh! Forgot to take off the magnetic watch!

In an effort to help the nefarious, we, at Licensed to Kill, here list the countless ways that villains, henchmen, lackeys and the merely amateurish have tried (so far, unsuccessfully) to kill off British Agent 007, James Bond. They range from the accidental to the purposefully complex, sometimes thought up off-the-cuff, and sometimes planned down to the last detail. But whether improvised or premeditated, simple or ludicrous they all have one thing in common:

Failure

(I suppose one could try just shooting him!)

So, here they are listed by film, the many ways to not kill off Bond. (We suggest you don't use them!)

Should you want to achieve such a goal, remember, please, the words of Miss Tiffany Case: "And for God's sake, try and come up with something original!"

Dr. No

• incompetent driver/assassin
• tarantula in the bed
• run off the road
• shot while sleeping
• shot by patrol boat
• dragon tank
• irradiated
• talked to death at dinner
• beaten up
• electrocuted
• dangerously un-insulated ventilation system
• beaten by metal claws
• cooked in a nuclear cooling tank

From Russia With Love

• elaborate plot entailing seduction, blackmail, and a faked suicide
• attempted assassination at a gypsy camp
  
• a beating, capped by being garroted by a wire hidden in a watch
• chased down by a helicopter dropping grenades
  
• poison-tipped shoes
• red wine with fish
  

Goldfinger

• betrayal by girlfriend, with attempted black-jacking and a beating
• machine-gunned by old lady
• chased down by shooting henchmen
  
• laser beam castration
• being blown up 007 up at Ft. Knox
• threatened with flying bowler
• various karate moves by mute bodyguard
  
• shooting in a plane
  

Thunderball

• Attacked with a poker "in the hands of a widow"
• pulled apart by spine-stretching machine
• run-down by speed-boat and concussed by dropped grenades
  
• chased down and nearly shot in back while dancing
  
• shark feeding
• harpoon (lots of 'em!)
• beating on an out-of-control hydrofoil
  

You Only Live Twice

• shot at by armed guards
• chased and attacked by Japanese dock-workers
  
• trapped in a falling plane
• dogfight with machine-gunning black helicopters
• sneaking onto the roof, and dripping poison down a thread while you sleep (Sheesh!)
  
• knife hidden in practice bamboo pole (time-honored favorite!)
• blown-up by self-destructing volcano (another THF)
• Marriage
  

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

• Beach-fight at dusk!
• Attacked by henchman
• Sleeping with Irma Bunt
• chased by machine-gunning skiers
• Avalanche
• thrown beaker of acid
• attacked by bob-sled throwing grenades
  
• Crunching your head against an ice-wall while traveling on a speeding bob-sled!!
  
• drive-by

Diamonds Are Forever

• shot from a mud-pit
• gassed, kidnapped, and buried alive in a sewer
• a beating in tight-quarters (elevator)
• attacked by slow-moving astronauts
  
• repeated bitch-slappingslapping
  
• garroting
  
• cake bomb
• cremation
• talked to death by villain
  

Live and Let Die

• shooting your driver on a busy New York freeway
• a beating
• the old snake-in-the-bathroom trick
• attacked by helicopters in an opium field
• interminably chased by henchmen with guns in planes, buses and boats
• lots of hungry alligators
  
• voodoo ritual
• that thing with the knots and the knife and the shark-pool
• attacked by a guy with a big clunky metal hand

The Man with the Golden Gun

• squeezed by sumo wrestlers
• "show-and-tell" at a martial arts school
• hunted down by Scaramanga
• incinerated by solar collector
• attacked by a small Frenchman
• forced to deal with Mary Goodnight
  

The Spy Who Loved Me

• chased by Russian spies on skis, forced off a cliff
• blown up by American Navy
  
• Jaws (a lot!)
• chased by torpedo-firing motorcycle, frogmen and Caroline Munro in a chopper (life is tough!)
• shot at with a reeeeeealy long gun
  

Moonraker

• tossed out of a perfectly good airplane
• sniper in a tree
• beaten up
• incinerated by shuttle rockets
• constricted by a Boa
  
• bitten by Jaws
• shot with a laser gun
• crushed in a centrifuge
• strangled with a chain

For Your Eyes Only

• dragged over a coral reef and left for sharks
• run over with a boat

Octopussy
yo-yo killer attacking 007 and Octopussy
A View to a Kill

• trick steeplechase
• drugged horse
• locked in a submerged car
• locked in an elevator in a burning building
• bumped into building and bridges while dangling from a blimp

The Living Daylights

Licence To Kill


GoldenEye

• exploding train
• throwing 007 off the cradle
• self destruct helicopter

Tomorrow Never Dies

The World is Not Enough

Die Another Day


Casino Royale

• tortured w/a knotted rope
• poisoning
• knife/machete sword

Quantam of Solace

• Airplane Attack